Not bad at all

I've said it before and I'll say & think it again and again: My life is pretty dang good. I forever am highly appreciative of how many friends I have and how many of them are willing to help me, of the privilege I have in being able to choose my work and where I live, of the fact that I just returned from a trip to the Philippines and China and that my passport will soon need new pages, of the many opportunities that lie before me. Heck, I'm even indescribably grateful for the brain that I was given and for being born in a time when I can use it.I am not being facetious or trying to ignore stuff. I'm very aware that I'm still battling with my finances and I'm bummed about my perpetual singleness and I do have family issues looming in the background. I also still struggle with my moods and spent last night essentially hiding out. And I'm trying not to berate myself too much for being a slacker as I look around at my room, the repository of unfinished projects.See, I often feel like I let some things go for way too long before I deal with them which makes me crazy. I was talking recently with a friend about this, about my feelings of impatience with myself. He was not the first to say that I'm on some kind of accelerated time frame. He pointed out (again) that my "way too long" is a small fraction of the time that many other people think of as normal. Thinking about this brings two things to my mind: 1) I feel bad that others let themselves stew in unpalatable situations and I wish I could help them, and 2) I guess I deal with stuff quickly because I do not have time to wait."I do not have time." This sense has been with me for as long as I can remember (meaning: since I was a teenager). On the one hand it comes from my fairly unreasonable expectation that I'm not here for long, which can be explained by having my always-healthy mom die when I was in high school (at the same age I am now, which I confess is feeling kinda weird) and having lots of other folks in my life die at very young ages, many to AIDS but some from other causes. On the other hand, I also have a strange sense of obligation which arises from my hypersensitivity to the privilege into which I was born (intellectual, cultural, and class privilege). I feel like I am under an obligation to use these gifts to do something which will improve the world around me. This is a feeling which supersedes* all others, and which is the root of why I am so resistant to doing anything which feels even remotely self-interested and why I generally interpret those actions as "selfish." My brain is also always reminding me of the many ideas I haven't yet completed, several of which can help fulfill this sense of obligation. Of course, none of them will be sufficient to end that feeling -- completing one just gives space to move on to the next project.So I'm writing this post to remind myself to appreciate what I've already done and what I already have. I'm also reminding myself that the world isn't going to end tomorrow. And, of course, I'm writing to give myself a kick in the pants to get me moving on my current projects. After all, there are many others waiting in the wings, so even though I'm in bonus years and it looks like I'm going to be here for a good long while, it would be a shame to let them languish just because I ran out of time.--------------*verbivore aside: I just now learned that "supercede" is a widely distributed spelling error for "supersede." huh.